Tuesday, August 7, 2012

A Good Night Rant

Wow I haven't been on here in quite a while. I hadn't even realized how long until just now. I guess I just haven't read many books lately that i felt really deserved a review. Not say I haven't read good books, just not any that I had any real opinions to write about.
      So its ranting time. The time of the blog where I log on and rant about my current personal inflictions without giving away any real details about my personal inflictions. But in the end the internet gets a link, my blog doesn't look abandoned, and I feel a little better getting my thoughts on "paper" and off my chest. So without further ado I give you A Good Night Rant:

As you may have noted in the title of this blog, I am an introvert. A person who happens to enjoy being alone more than large social settings, they find social skills to be things they have to work at a bit more and small talk doesn't come naturally. You may have also caught on the the fact that I am a teenaged girl. I have come to accepting my slightly awkward social persona and more or less bookworm status for a couple years now. This is not to say I am social retarded or don't have friends, just that while I have friends I rarely feel the need to see them outside of school, and while I get by with my social skills just fine I do still struggle with simple small talk like conversations, as I find it to be all fluff. Like I said I have more or less embraced that this is who I am but with college right around the corner it seems to be becoming a touchy subject. 
My parents are both former extroverts. They have since transformed into quite the opposite but they still don't seem to quite understand where I am coming from. As kids both my parents were the types to always be out, as f avoiding home. My mother especially was a bit of rebel against her parents. So they see me and always have to ask why I don't chose to be out. I have tried to ask myself this but the answer always seems to be 1. where would I go? its not like my friends are real partiers, and 2. I honestly have no desire to go out. I don't want to go run into people somewhere. It's not that I don't know how to be social, I just rarely have a desire to go "out" and be around a bunch of people. 
I am probably sounding like a really loser right now, like some loner who sits in a corner. Well I'm not. I have plenty of friends and people i hang out with at school, the only difference is when I get home I chose to spend that time alone. I am fully aware of what an abnormal teen I am. Trust me I have gotten it all: "old soul", "16 going on 36", "Benjamin Buttons", all of it. But try as I have to be a little more extroverted I find I just end up exhausted and dissatisfied. With college coming up I have always viewed it as a time to not so much reinvent myself but to branch out and more or less force myself into a social word. No better time to do it right? The root of my doubt seems to lead back to my parents. Don't get me wrong I love my parents, they are honestly the absolute greatest. They love me dearly and except me for who I am but they're jokes about how "you have to social in college, remember, hon" can kinda get to me. I know I can be social and even make it in a sorority but the knocks on my personality don't help. Personally I think a forced social environment like a sorority where everyone is kinda together in something could be really good for me, I just wish I got a little support in that thinking. 
The bottom line is I didn't chose my personality, I was never given an option whether I wanted to a easy people person or who I am. I just turned out this way, and I am not going to apologize or try to be the extrovert I'm not. I believe I am the introvert I am for a reason and somehow there is a greater plan for why I don't like to party like a "typical" teenager, and that even though it is harder for me to go out and talk to people and fit into a social group that I will grow and things will work out and that there are people down the road in my life that understand and that connections and bonds and relationships will come easy with, people that i am meant to meet. Somehow I Know this will all work out in the end, and even though I still have doubts and sometimes I question why I am different, I am not ashamed. I know there is a reason, I know there is a plan.

And so ends tonight's rant. As per usual I don't really know if that was where I was intending on going with this rant but obviously it was what I needed to say, for my own sake.  Hope you enjoyed my inner most thoughts, and if not then what are you doing wasting your time, go get a life. Until my next near emotional breakdown, epiphany or book review, good night and peaceful dreams.

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